101 Things Port must remember

1. Leaving England alone in my house for long periods of time will result in having my kitchen destroyed
2. Never try to give England cooking lessons again
3. - Nor America
4. -- It will only result in ruining perfectly good food
5. If England invites me for a drinking session I have to make sure he doesn't provide the drinks
6. - Because even his beer will give me an indigestion (it's warm dammit)
7. If America suggests to me again to save money by using plastic corks, I must refrain from hitting him on the head with my shield
8. - Or with a serving tray
9. -- He doesn't know how to respect good wine anyway
10. I must never call England "bife" (=steak) in front of France
11. - Or in front of America
12. -- Even if he does look like raw meat when angry/sunburned
13. I must never go out to karaoke with Japan again. My singing will make everyone else cry
14. The rectangle-hexagon joke only works between me and France
15. I must remind France just because I like him it's not an invitation to invade my vital regions
16. - It would only end up in getting his face kicked
17. -- And me invoking my friendship with England to kick his rear as well
18. I must not hit Spain if he asks me to form an Iberian Union again
19. - Especially if he brings up the Philip kings
20. -- Unless no one else is watching
21. I must no bring up to Spain his huge defeat in the Battle of Aljubarrota to prove a point
22. - I must not bring up his humilliating defeat in the Battle of Salga either
23. -- Or any other battles he lost against me for that matter
24. --- Even if the look on his face is hilarious
25. No mater how much I wish king Sebastian will not return and bring a new golden age, so I must stop crying about it
26. I need to stop dwelling on history and old grudges altogether
27. - That's why I'm picked on and called backward
28. Arriving 10 minutes late to meetings is not being on time. Germany doesn't like it
29. - Same goes for arriving 30 minutes late to the restaurant
30. If people mistaken me for Spain I am not allowed to hit them with my shield
31. - Same goes if they think I'm Spain's underling
32. -- This is ESPECIALLY true if they call me Spain's butt
33. --- Or any other part of Spain
34. I must not become depressed if no one recognizes me
35. - Or if I'm completely ignored
36. -- Even if I was the one who started the Age of Discoveries
37. Must follow rule #25 and #26
38. Salted cod is not a viable form of currency
39. - Even if it can last a whole year before spoiling
40. -- Same goes for canned sardines and tuna
41. The work I did for France must never be mentioned
42. - Especially to Spain and to England
43. -- If they saw me dressed as a maid I would never live it down
44. I must not accuse Brazil of butchering my language
45. - Even if it's his fault everyone else thinks brazilian portuguese is the same as european portuguese
46. -- Which is not. They're completely different
47. I shouldn't yell at Spain for spamming my email inbox with pictures of Romano looking like a tomato
48. - No matter how cute (or disturbing) they are
49. -- Sending him the evil eye over the net doesn't work either
50. Just because I'm superstitious doesn't mean I can see fairies and unicorns like England can
51. - I see witches and enchanted "mouras" instead
52. -- I need to stock on more folk medicine and and good luck charms by the way
53. I shouldn't read the books in England's basement
54. - And I shouldn't try to banish the evil there by sweeping it with a broom
55. -- Or stiking an iron nail over the doorway
56. --- Or any other method. England doesn't like it
57. Sending a Barcelos rooster to England for christmas is a bad idea
58. - For some reason he thinks black roosters are unlucky
59. -- Even if this one saved a man's life once
60. Sending him Port wine is a bad idea too, even if he does like it
61. Sending anything to France would give him the wrong idea
62. - And I would end up using rule #16 and #17
63. Sending anything to Spain is just wasting money
64. - Even if my boss says I have to
65. I'm not allowed to call Spain an idiot every time he starts bragging
66. - I'm definitely not allowed to hit him when he starts bragging
67. -- Or when he claims I have an inferiority complex
68. --- He's the one who's sore about me never allowing him to rule the entire Peninsula
69. Poking fun at Spain for having troublekeeping his own house together is strictly forbidden
70. - Even if he was asking for it for a long time
71. -- It was his own fault trying to make a huge house instead of spending some time unifying it like I did
72. Must follow rule #26
73. I must not make fun of Spain by talking to him in portuguese and see him struggle to understand me
74. - It's not my fault my language is more archaic han his
75. Spain trying to get back at me by talking in spanish has no effect
76. - I understand him perfectly well
77. Portuguese is NOT a really broken/bastard version of spanish and I should not yell at anyone who even suggests it
78. - I'm older than he is, so my language came first
79. I must not kill Spain
80. - Even if at times he's really asking for it
81. Venting my frustrations on football (soccer) is not considered time well spent
82. - Even if my players are among the best in the world
83. And no, football matches are NOT a national matter
84. - Nor a national holiday
85. If someone calls my house rundown and shabby I must not cry about it
86. - It does need some repairs, but it's not that bad
87. Investing mainly on Algarve to bring tourists is counter productive
88. - And no, Algarve is NOT synonym for Portugal
89. Just because I don't like to waste money doesn't mean I'm cheap
90. - I just can't afford much to begin with
91. -- And asking for loans only makes the problem worse, not better
92. I must not sulk when England comes and compliments my more affordable life style
93. - He forgets I don't earn as much as he does
94. -- Letting him compliment the quality of my cooking is ok though
95. I must not bug Canada and Norway about cod
96. - And I must keep in mind Norway's troll is not an evil spirit
97. -- Poking Kumajirou with a sardine is not acceptable either
98. If England gets drunk while on holiday in my house I must keep him away from the other guests
99. - Especially from Russia and France
100. -- And under no circumnstances I must join in the drinking
101. --- Not like I'd get drunk anyway. I don't drink the insane amounts of alcohol he does